Will it ever get any better?

I wonder this and it's been a question on my mind a lot this week. Yesterday my car battery died and we're not having an office Christmas Party. I think that made me have a nervous breakdown last night (not literally). I literally felt sick at the end of the day. I really can not believe we're having an office Christmas party. Nobody wants to volunteer their home and nobody cares enough to hang out outside of school. It's just sad. It's pretty indicative of how this school year has been.

On top of that I'm still having a hard time with my cousin's death. I can barely make it through the day without crying. I guess right now I'm going through the anger stage. I'm just so mad that he's not here. I'm so mad at him for putting us all through this. I'm mad because most people have good memories to remember their deceased loved one. I do, but they're mostly from when we were children or teenagers. When he entered adulthood, those happy memories were few and far between. He put our family through a lot, but it wasn't supposed to be over. He still had a chance to make something of his life and I just can not accept that he's not here to do that. I saw his last phone call to me in my cell phone last night while Murad and I were at dinner and I just lost it. I wasn't even looking for his number, I was just looking at old calls and there was his name. Uggh...

My other cousins, Philip's sister and bro, are supposed to come visit me soon, so I think that will help bring my mood up.

I need to start making my invitations, but every time I think about making them, I think that he's supposed to get an invitation and he's not. There will be no invitation for him.

I just hope my mood changes. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I feel my luck is bad and my attitude is so negative. I know I have so many things for which to be thankful. God has blessed my family in so many areas and he continues to bless Murad and I as a couple. I know I need to focus on those things, but sometimes it's hard. I'm hoping the holidays will help, but honestly I do not know what to expect. Murad and I leave for New Jersey on Wednesday morning. I am excited to get away, but I have so much to do to prepare. Plus, I will be away from my babies for almost a week. Sometimes I don't know how to sleep without Maya curled up at my feet and Sampson near me or right on the floor beside my bed. They're just so lovey and fluffy! I love relaxing with them on Saturday afternoons and watching them play at the dog park. I think if anything helps me to feel better it's being with them. They love me and always want to be near me. They're always happy to see me and I love it! I love them so much! I need to post pictures of them soon. I just designed my Christmas cards and they are of pictures of them tearing up Santa's hat! It's going to be so cute. Stay tuned for more pics!!!