After reading my own blog, I realized that it is a healthy release for me in dealing with my emotions concerning my cousin's death. However, I do have a lot of things for which to be thankful.
When I returned on Thursday the first kid I saw in the hallway exclaimed, "Miss Woodard, you're back."It made my day. He's usually a pretty quiet kid in class, so I was a little shocked that he said that. My kids were great. I just felt as though I couldn't really allow myself to feel in front of them. I couldn't break down and that was hard.
Today, I woke up and I felt a lot better than I have in the last week. I'm still dealing with a lot of emotions and confusion, but things are better. I still have that guilt of moving on. I still want time to stand still and for him to be here.
Murad started a new job today and he absolutely loves it, so there is a positive.
There are only four months and six days until I am Mrs. Campbell. I feel a little behind. I need to start making the invitations NOW. I need to have them done by the end of this month. I'm not hiring a calligrapher (it just seems like a waste in my eyes because people throw away envelopes), so I have to hand address each envelope. I'm imagining that will take me a month and a half. I'd like for the invites to go out in early to mid January, so that i can have an end of February response deadline. I'm making menus (because they're fun) for the wedding and I need to know exactly how many people are coming. Murad and I ordered the most food possible for the wedding, so that if a high number of people show up we can cut back on some of the appetizers. My parents are paying for the food, so we need to keep that cost down (the shrimp is the first to go...sorry, Murad). I'm also making a seating chart (they're not fun).
On the East coast they do things very formally. Sit down dinners, open bar, seating charts, and menus are the norm. I'm used to buffet and beer Midwest weddings. So we compromised, but it seems like Murad got more out of it than I did: buffet, seating chart, open bar, menu.... . AND Murad doesn't even drink! However, on both sides of our family a traditional wedding is not always the norm. In my family and in the Lutheran church, we usually have the Lutheran church wedding with cake and punch in the church basement. We're Lutheran and that's just how we do things. My parents had a more traditional wedding with a church wedding and then dinner reception at a club, but they were an exception. Murad's family is sort of the same way with Masjid weddings and/or city hall weddings. Murad said his dad's wedding was the first formal wedding he attended. So, I think this will be a nice way for our families to vacation, meet each other and celebrate our marriage.
Our honeymoon: I'm so thankful that we get to take one, but it will be a long time coming! Murad and I decided to go to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. woo-hoo! We originally planned to go in August of 09, but we're thinking of going on our one year anniversary, spring break '10. Why? Well we have a lot to do in '09. My brother graduates in May, Abby will be down with us for the majority of the summer, Murad needs to take summer classes and prep for the GRE. Right now, our priority, of course, is Murad's school, so we figure the honeymoon can take a back seat. Plus, this allows us to make sure everything for the wedding is paid off and that we have money left over to pay for his tests and grad school applications. We can save slowly during the school year for the honeymoon.
I need to get off my butt and go work-out, grocery shop and CLEAN! Then maybe start making invitations....
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
a little better...
I went back to work yesterday and it was hard. too hard. I felt like at any point during the day I was going to start crying. I probably went back too soon, but what can you do. The funeral was good. sad, but good. I felt comfort in being near my family. I felt like his spirit surrounded us. It was hard to see him there. I kept wanting to say, "get up, Philip. get up." he couldn't.
That night I dreamed of him and when I had to go back to work, I was met with great difficulty. I still can't wrap my brain around it all. I still can't get away from how he ended his life, rather than how he lived it. I know I need to separate the two, but it's just hard. I just want him back. I know I'm being selfish, but so was he.
Today was better. I was able to get through my day without feeling as though I was going to cry.
Even so, I feel like he's around me at work. In the current novel we're reading, his name is the same as the main character's. I have a student with a similar name. I have two students who are struggling to connect. And, of course, he's always with me.
That night I dreamed of him and when I had to go back to work, I was met with great difficulty. I still can't wrap my brain around it all. I still can't get away from how he ended his life, rather than how he lived it. I know I need to separate the two, but it's just hard. I just want him back. I know I'm being selfish, but so was he.
Today was better. I was able to get through my day without feeling as though I was going to cry.
Even so, I feel like he's around me at work. In the current novel we're reading, his name is the same as the main character's. I have a student with a similar name. I have two students who are struggling to connect. And, of course, he's always with me.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
vomit
I do not know what else to call this, except that. Ever since Saturday morning, I've had this nagging feeling in my stomach. And I'm pretty much vomitting everything that has happened since Friday night onto this computer screen.
On Friday night, Murad and I stayed up late. He was leaving for Kansas the next day to meet his daughter's teacher. He originally planned to leave Friday night, but I convinced him to stay with me. When I woke up the next morning to let the dogs out, I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. Like I needed to throw up, but couldn't. I attributed it to the massive amounts of coffee I drank the night before. I usually do not drink that much, but Murad and I were watching movies and chatting, so I wanted to be alert (he always teases me about falling asleep).
I was able to eat something, so I thought it was a passing thing. I then IMed my mom a little later about the shrug I decided I "had to have" and to see about my grandma's dogs. She couldn't talk because she and my grandma had just picked up their dogs from the vet. My mom said she would call me at night because she was going to follow my grandma back to her town. She said, "we can't get ahold of your cousin. we think he may have killed himself." Uhhh....the vomit feeling came back again. Without going into a lot of detail, my cousin lived with my grandmother and struggled with substance abuse and depression. He and I would go in and out of contact. Some months we would talk and text a lot and others we would not. We talked some over the summer, but only texted a few times in the last few months.
I told Murad and he asked if he should stay back. I told him, "no, it's probably nothing." and he said, "you know how your grandmother and mom exaggerate things." They do. But not this time.
I walked the dogs, took a shower and talked to my brother. I had an incoming call and when I saw my dad's name on the caller ID, I immediately knew. I frantically told Ryan I'd call him back and as I clicked over, I heard my dad crying into the phone. When my dad told me that my mom found him on the bed with the gun in his hand, I lost it. I kept it in until that point. I called Murad and, luckily he hadn't left the state of Texas, so he turned back around. I think all I did on Saturday was cry, ask a million questions and get angry. I felt so helpless and desperate. I felt horrible that Murad was consoling me, when noone could console or help my cousin. I kept trying to keep my mind preoccupied. I played on the internet, watched a ton of movies and for that time I could forget about it all, but when the movie was over, or when I could only read so many facebook profiles, the anger and sadness overwhelmed me. I stayed on the couch for about five hours straight, not because I was that depressed, but because everytime I stood up that sick feeling in my stomach returned. Despite, this I still planned to carry out my regular Sunday plans.
I think I got maybe three hours of sleep on Saturday night. I was on the phone most of the night and early morning with my parents. And on Sunday morning, things got worse. Luckily, I am in Texas, so I'm pretty far removed from all the drama going on. And while, I can't go into a lot of detail, there was a lot of family drama that day and it hasn't really ended. At that point, I felt so overwhelmed. I was trying to accommodate so many people. Murad had to step in and make decisions for me. I've never had that happen before, but I just needed someone in my corner to be like, "Ashlea, you need to do this. stop trying to make everyone happy." I was totally incapable of doing that and luckily he gave me the verbal bitch-slap I needed.
All day Sunday, I agonized over "why?" I just want to know what made him decide to do it that night. So many people have their own theories, and while they are all valid, it still doesn't answer all the questions. I know he was in a lot of pain, but not knowing how we could've been there to help him is killing us all. Even though he and I are only a year apart, I still think of him as my younger cousin and it doesn't seem right that he's not here. how does this happen? how did he get so low? I spent most of Sunday going through text messages and emails from him. I even perused a few suicide prevention websites, but none of them could tell me WHY?
Monday was okay for me. no stomachaches. I slept most of the morning because I had very little sleep Saturday and Sunday nights. Got all my stuff ready to go to Kansas. It was today when I woke up that the sick feeling came back. more family drama. and tomorrow....well, who knows what to expect. everyone in my family will be in one place. no more phone calls or texts....just face to face. I can only imagine how my stomach will feel. pray, if that's what you do...I just want to remember his life tomorrow, not just this one instance. He was a good person. He was so kind to everyone he knew and wanted someone to understand him. I hope that we can make it about him and not drama.
On Friday night, Murad and I stayed up late. He was leaving for Kansas the next day to meet his daughter's teacher. He originally planned to leave Friday night, but I convinced him to stay with me. When I woke up the next morning to let the dogs out, I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. Like I needed to throw up, but couldn't. I attributed it to the massive amounts of coffee I drank the night before. I usually do not drink that much, but Murad and I were watching movies and chatting, so I wanted to be alert (he always teases me about falling asleep).
I was able to eat something, so I thought it was a passing thing. I then IMed my mom a little later about the shrug I decided I "had to have" and to see about my grandma's dogs. She couldn't talk because she and my grandma had just picked up their dogs from the vet. My mom said she would call me at night because she was going to follow my grandma back to her town. She said, "we can't get ahold of your cousin. we think he may have killed himself." Uhhh....the vomit feeling came back again. Without going into a lot of detail, my cousin lived with my grandmother and struggled with substance abuse and depression. He and I would go in and out of contact. Some months we would talk and text a lot and others we would not. We talked some over the summer, but only texted a few times in the last few months.
I told Murad and he asked if he should stay back. I told him, "no, it's probably nothing." and he said, "you know how your grandmother and mom exaggerate things." They do. But not this time.
I walked the dogs, took a shower and talked to my brother. I had an incoming call and when I saw my dad's name on the caller ID, I immediately knew. I frantically told Ryan I'd call him back and as I clicked over, I heard my dad crying into the phone. When my dad told me that my mom found him on the bed with the gun in his hand, I lost it. I kept it in until that point. I called Murad and, luckily he hadn't left the state of Texas, so he turned back around. I think all I did on Saturday was cry, ask a million questions and get angry. I felt so helpless and desperate. I felt horrible that Murad was consoling me, when noone could console or help my cousin. I kept trying to keep my mind preoccupied. I played on the internet, watched a ton of movies and for that time I could forget about it all, but when the movie was over, or when I could only read so many facebook profiles, the anger and sadness overwhelmed me. I stayed on the couch for about five hours straight, not because I was that depressed, but because everytime I stood up that sick feeling in my stomach returned. Despite, this I still planned to carry out my regular Sunday plans.
I think I got maybe three hours of sleep on Saturday night. I was on the phone most of the night and early morning with my parents. And on Sunday morning, things got worse. Luckily, I am in Texas, so I'm pretty far removed from all the drama going on. And while, I can't go into a lot of detail, there was a lot of family drama that day and it hasn't really ended. At that point, I felt so overwhelmed. I was trying to accommodate so many people. Murad had to step in and make decisions for me. I've never had that happen before, but I just needed someone in my corner to be like, "Ashlea, you need to do this. stop trying to make everyone happy." I was totally incapable of doing that and luckily he gave me the verbal bitch-slap I needed.
All day Sunday, I agonized over "why?" I just want to know what made him decide to do it that night. So many people have their own theories, and while they are all valid, it still doesn't answer all the questions. I know he was in a lot of pain, but not knowing how we could've been there to help him is killing us all. Even though he and I are only a year apart, I still think of him as my younger cousin and it doesn't seem right that he's not here. how does this happen? how did he get so low? I spent most of Sunday going through text messages and emails from him. I even perused a few suicide prevention websites, but none of them could tell me WHY?
Monday was okay for me. no stomachaches. I slept most of the morning because I had very little sleep Saturday and Sunday nights. Got all my stuff ready to go to Kansas. It was today when I woke up that the sick feeling came back. more family drama. and tomorrow....well, who knows what to expect. everyone in my family will be in one place. no more phone calls or texts....just face to face. I can only imagine how my stomach will feel. pray, if that's what you do...I just want to remember his life tomorrow, not just this one instance. He was a good person. He was so kind to everyone he knew and wanted someone to understand him. I hope that we can make it about him and not drama.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
RIP Philip Andrew Francis
you are gone too soon. i'm so angry with you. my heart hurts. i cannot believe this shit is happening.
A great day in History
Tuesday night was such an exhilarating night at our house and across the world. I am so ecstatic to say that Barack Obama is the leader of our nation. I truly feel like this is God's plan. I always respect the person in office (although it was hard with Bush, but I knew that God had a plan), I have so much respect for him. I just feel as though his values and policies coincide so much with the values I have. I am ready for a change with our economic crisis and something needs to be done about our health care system. I also like his mission to help the middle class, while still helping those who are struggling. As someone who grew up upper middle class, I witnessed (and right now witness) my parents struggle to pay bills. Finally, someone recognizes that we need help too!
I just feel that Obama represents the true American. Many people feel as though he's not American because of his middle name, but he truly is representative of what our nation is becoming. We're becoming less divided. There are more interracial children today, than when I was a child. I just think it's beautiful and something that will help our nation become more tolerant of others. Okay, so enough of my soap box.
So, I think I'm finally at a place where I can start doing more wedding stuff. Things are slowing down at work ( I hope). Uggh...work is such a pain right now. I hate doing paper work. I just want to TEACH! Okay, that's my vent of the night.
...4 1/2 weeks till the big day. I can not believe it. Well, I got the paper to make the invites. Tonight I cleaned, did laundry and then started cutting out the belly band for the invite. I also made a mock invite. It turned out really cute. Although, I think I'm going to have Kinko's cut the text sheet because I wasn't as straight as I'd like it.
Well, Murad and I made a big decision this week....well I did, because in his own words, "Ash, I'm not romantic and shit. I don't care." Thanks, babe. I decided that we are going to see each other before the wedding. At first I didn't want to, but once I started thinking about pictures, I realized I didn't want it to be too dark. Our wedding venue has a cool entrance that I thought would be perfect for wedding party pictures. Also, our venue has a rooftop view of the Dallas skyline. So, I was thinking that Murad and I could do a private photo session up there before doing our wedding pictures. So, it will still be a special moment, just not the traditional moment that most have at their wedding.
If anyone has $60 I could really use it. When I was home two weeks ago, my mom goes, "Ash, what if it's still cold in March. What will you wear to cover your little arms?" (my mom uses the adjective "little" a lot when describing my hands and arms because she's my mom and she thinks they're cute...everything but my feet and ass because she has tiny feet and no ass...but I digress) "I don't know, mom. Do you have any suggestions?" "No." End conversation. Tonight, I was stumbling around on the knot and I came across a girl's blog. Her colors are similar to mine and she is purchasing a custom Victorian shoulder wrap shrug. I instantly fell in love! Perfect for my little arms! I'm posting a picture. Tell me what you think! I'm thinking christmas present to myself! I'm so in love!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Fall
So, I'm a little excited because we finally have fall weather here in Texas. My dogs will finally stop shedding (which means I don't have to vacuum everyday or carry a lint roller with me at all times).
Last night was Halloween. It was a nice night for me. I came home, Murad and I voted, then we went to eat some yummy food at Black Eyed Pea (who by the way is catering our wedding!). I had cornbread fried chicken, brocoli rice casserole, mac n' cheese and state fair cookies for dessert (state fair cookies are friend oreos). Yummy! I didn't eat the cookies until I got home last night. After we ate, I proceeded to start cleaning our apartment, but then Melanie and Kelan called me from the bar, so I went and met up with them while Murad went to a movie. It was a very chill Halloween. Sadly, we didn't have any trick-or-treaters. That is one of the downfalls of living in an apartment complex. So, I have to prepare to take down my Halloween decorations today.
Well, Murad and I have had some changes in our lives. Murad was in a car accident two weeks ago and it was a total loss. We started looking around for cars, but kept getting discouraged because they wanted like $2500 down and $650/mo. for a 2008 car. NOT KIDDING. However, we were able to talk most of the guys down to less, but we still weren't happy with their service.
So, last Friday, just before we were getting ready to go out of town, we go to the local Ford dealership. The guy was so friendly and helpful. He knew we were on a tight budget and he really advised us well. At first we really wanted a Ford Edge, but knew we couldn't afford it. Then we thought maybe a Ford Escape, but the guy told us we'd be disappointed because the Edge (a crossover) drives like a car and the Escape is more like an SUV. So, he points us to a sedan called a Ford Fusion. We fell in love with it. It is the perfect car for Murad! It's so nice and roomy, so when we take the dogs in it, they can lounge around. The best part is that it is a brand new car! 2009 Ford Fusion! We didn't put any money down and his payments are low! So, anyways, buy a new car right now. Car companies are hurting badly right now. We were only the 2nd sale of the day at noon. And the only reason they accepted our offer was because they were hurting to sell a car that day.
We then proceeded to drive the car to Kansas. We stopped at my parents' house Friday night. My grandmother was there with all her crazy dogs, so it was nice to see her. Then on Saturday we headed to Meade to see Abby. My has she grown so much. Her two front teeth are finally in and she was wiggling another tooth while we were there (stacie texted me after we left and said Abby pulled it out). She is definitely our little big girl. I'm so excited to finally be her stepmom in less than five months.
Five months...crazy! I'm going to order my paper soon and start making my invitations. I already bought the backing, and the belly band paper. I just need the paper for the text, which is also the same paper I'm using for the programs, so I might as well order it all at once. Oh, and I also need to buy paper for the maps. Geez, tons to do!
So, maybe it's because one of my best friends at work is pregnant, but I've been having baby fever lately. Which is so not me. I always tell people that Murad and I are waiting a long time to have a baby. Now, I just really can not wait to be a mom. Jodi, my friend, is so beautiful as a pregnant woman and I know she and Andrew will be wonderful parents. I just want that so badly for Murad and me. I know it's not our time and the Lord will bless us when it's the right time. Murad last night was like, "Ash, we're not even married yet!" Yeah, I kind of forgot about that. That should be the first thing on our list. Murad has been really sweet about the whole baby thing though. He was like, "I will love any child God blesses us with." And he will. He will be the best parent if the baby is ours, adopted, developmentally disabled, etc. He already is a great father to Abby and of course to Maya and Sampson!
We did decide to start a little sooner on trying for kids. Originally we were going to wait four or five years, but I think we're going to start trying in two or three years. If we do that it means I'll still have to work because Murad will be in grad school and his tiny living stipend will not cover a growing family. However, I think I can do it. I've got some ideas in my head. One is still teach, but not volunteer for everything under the sun. Another is work as an elementary principal. That may be a stressful job for a first time mom and principal. And my other idea is teach at a community college. I think that could be a lot fun too. We'll see. I know the Lord will point us in the right direction as far as family, finances and career are concerned.
Well, this is a really long blog. I'm going to stop right here (I really should when a Pulitzer prize for this fine writing).
Last night was Halloween. It was a nice night for me. I came home, Murad and I voted, then we went to eat some yummy food at Black Eyed Pea (who by the way is catering our wedding!). I had cornbread fried chicken, brocoli rice casserole, mac n' cheese and state fair cookies for dessert (state fair cookies are friend oreos). Yummy! I didn't eat the cookies until I got home last night. After we ate, I proceeded to start cleaning our apartment, but then Melanie and Kelan called me from the bar, so I went and met up with them while Murad went to a movie. It was a very chill Halloween. Sadly, we didn't have any trick-or-treaters. That is one of the downfalls of living in an apartment complex. So, I have to prepare to take down my Halloween decorations today.
Well, Murad and I have had some changes in our lives. Murad was in a car accident two weeks ago and it was a total loss. We started looking around for cars, but kept getting discouraged because they wanted like $2500 down and $650/mo. for a 2008 car. NOT KIDDING. However, we were able to talk most of the guys down to less, but we still weren't happy with their service.
So, last Friday, just before we were getting ready to go out of town, we go to the local Ford dealership. The guy was so friendly and helpful. He knew we were on a tight budget and he really advised us well. At first we really wanted a Ford Edge, but knew we couldn't afford it. Then we thought maybe a Ford Escape, but the guy told us we'd be disappointed because the Edge (a crossover) drives like a car and the Escape is more like an SUV. So, he points us to a sedan called a Ford Fusion. We fell in love with it. It is the perfect car for Murad! It's so nice and roomy, so when we take the dogs in it, they can lounge around. The best part is that it is a brand new car! 2009 Ford Fusion! We didn't put any money down and his payments are low! So, anyways, buy a new car right now. Car companies are hurting badly right now. We were only the 2nd sale of the day at noon. And the only reason they accepted our offer was because they were hurting to sell a car that day.
We then proceeded to drive the car to Kansas. We stopped at my parents' house Friday night. My grandmother was there with all her crazy dogs, so it was nice to see her. Then on Saturday we headed to Meade to see Abby. My has she grown so much. Her two front teeth are finally in and she was wiggling another tooth while we were there (stacie texted me after we left and said Abby pulled it out). She is definitely our little big girl. I'm so excited to finally be her stepmom in less than five months.
Five months...crazy! I'm going to order my paper soon and start making my invitations. I already bought the backing, and the belly band paper. I just need the paper for the text, which is also the same paper I'm using for the programs, so I might as well order it all at once. Oh, and I also need to buy paper for the maps. Geez, tons to do!
So, maybe it's because one of my best friends at work is pregnant, but I've been having baby fever lately. Which is so not me. I always tell people that Murad and I are waiting a long time to have a baby. Now, I just really can not wait to be a mom. Jodi, my friend, is so beautiful as a pregnant woman and I know she and Andrew will be wonderful parents. I just want that so badly for Murad and me. I know it's not our time and the Lord will bless us when it's the right time. Murad last night was like, "Ash, we're not even married yet!" Yeah, I kind of forgot about that. That should be the first thing on our list. Murad has been really sweet about the whole baby thing though. He was like, "I will love any child God blesses us with." And he will. He will be the best parent if the baby is ours, adopted, developmentally disabled, etc. He already is a great father to Abby and of course to Maya and Sampson!
We did decide to start a little sooner on trying for kids. Originally we were going to wait four or five years, but I think we're going to start trying in two or three years. If we do that it means I'll still have to work because Murad will be in grad school and his tiny living stipend will not cover a growing family. However, I think I can do it. I've got some ideas in my head. One is still teach, but not volunteer for everything under the sun. Another is work as an elementary principal. That may be a stressful job for a first time mom and principal. And my other idea is teach at a community college. I think that could be a lot fun too. We'll see. I know the Lord will point us in the right direction as far as family, finances and career are concerned.
Well, this is a really long blog. I'm going to stop right here (I really should when a Pulitzer prize for this fine writing).
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A favorite forward!
A little teacher humor and a true story... people seriously need to learn to decipher the English Language....especially if they are going to create names for their children.
This is priceless!!! Suppose a new student enrolls in your school. Her name is Le-a How would you pronounce the child's name?
Leah? NO
Lee-A? NOPE
Lay-a? NO
Lei? Guess Again.
It's pronounced 'Ledasha'
Oh, yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana.
Her mother is irate because so many faculty & staff are getting her name wrong. So, if you see something like this come across your desk, remember the mother's statement, "The dash don't be silent."
This is priceless!!! Suppose a new student enrolls in your school. Her name is Le-a How would you pronounce the child's name?
Leah? NO
Lee-A? NOPE
Lay-a? NO
Lei? Guess Again.
It's pronounced 'Ledasha'
Oh, yes...you read it right. The dash is not silent.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana.
Her mother is irate because so many faculty & staff are getting her name wrong. So, if you see something like this come across your desk, remember the mother's statement, "The dash don't be silent."
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